Fast Times at Mutant High
by Fenrir's Daughter
Summary: Oneshot.The kids at the Xavier Institute can get away with the craziest things.Warning:Drug use,implied slash and me trying to be funny.


A/N: Ok, this is about the crazy things those pampered X-Geeks get away with, most of which are illegal. For the record, I don't support these things, but it's funny to think about those goodie-goodies doing…stuff…You'll see! I'm going to try humor, but my wit tends to be awfully dry, so I wouldn't blame you if you flamed me.

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, I'd take over the rest of Marvel in a vicious and bloody coup de tas, sparing only Stan Lee.**

(:P)Somewhere…

(Mission:Impossible theme-music)

Sam 'Cannonball' Guthrie stealthily tiptoed down the hall with a bag of empty bottles clutched tightly to his chest. He made his way to the service elevator that went to the umpteenth sub-basement where Forge kept his lab, thinking he'd gotten away with it, when he was suddenly stopped by Scott.

"What are you doing?"

"AAH!", he said, dropping the bottles. "Um, nothing?"

Scott was not dissuaded by the hopeful look of innocence on the younger mutant's face. He glared his 'you are a bad liar' glare, which was very difficult because his sunglasses hid his eyes. Sam pouted and Scott's look softened.

"Aw, c'mon, Sam; I'm not as uptight as everyone thinks! What you're up to probably isn't so bad, man."

"Ah don't know…"

"Dude, try me. I was a bit of a bad boy not long ago." At this, Sam laughed loudly. "Seriously! Now what are you up to?"

"Ahl right, but y'all swear not to say a word?"

"Ah swear!", Scott said, mocking Sam's accent.

Sam glared at him, but told the truth. He whispered: "Ah got a still in the back of Forge's lab, an' Ah was goin' to get a little something for the monster movie marathon. Professor X and Storm are outta town an' restrictions are way down when Mr. McCoy's the head honcho." He put out his wrists.

"Why are you putting out your arms, Sam?"

"So y'all don't really carry handcuffs, I reckon?"

Scott rolled his eyes and laughed. "Let's just get the booze, man. I won't tell if you won't tell."

Sam did that stupid arm pose thing people do when something awesome happens, and the two headed for the elevator with mischievous grins.

(:P)Elsewhere in the X-Mansion…

Kurt was bored out of his skull. He'd done just about everything there was to do on a rainy afternoon at the X-Mansion, short of cleaning his room. In an attempt to stave off the boredom, he took a desperate measure: He would search for…LOGAN! DUN-DUN-DUN!

In a frenzy, he began BAMFing all around the mansion. Finally he was outside the door of Logan's room…the gates to Hell…

Kurt knocked politely. There was no answer, but he could hear giggling. Annoyed, the fuzzy blue elf knocked louder, and still receiving no answer, BAMFed right in. The air was thick with smoke, and the sight that greeted him was a puzzling one.

Tabby and the Wolverine were sitting on the floor in a dazed and confused fashion. The carpet was littered with Cheezie-Poofs and Snacky S'Mores. But that wasn't the weirdest thing:

Next to them was a large glass vase-like thing with a little tube and a mouthpiece.

Commonly referred to as a bong.

Rhymes with Cheech and Chong.

At the end of a particularly long fit of chuckles and guffaws, Logan finally noticed Kurt's presence and loudly proclaimed "Oh, SHIT!" He tried to hide it behind his back but it was too late. Tabby stopped laughing for a moment and looked around, having no idea what was going on. Her eyes were glazed and a dopey smile was plastered on her face.

"Huh?", she said, then burst into another fit of giggles and put her arm around Kurt's shoulder, practically knocking him over. "Wild Blue Yonder Boy's here! YAY!"

Needless to say the scene was getting to him but so was the smoke that filled Logan's bedroom, and Kurt began to mellow out. He sank to the floor with Tabby and Logan to join them.

This was going to be interesting…

(:P)Boy's Hallway…

"Yeah, I know! It's gonna be, like, so awesome!"

"Man, nine hours of gore and insanity!"

"A total frenzy of terror!"

"But why can't I stay up?"

"YOU'RE TOO LITTLE!", Bobby Ray and Roberto thundered at Jamie.

"But-"

"Jamie", Bobby said in his usual cool tone, "It's waaaaaaaaaay too scary for you, man. Just forget it. Now go get ready for bed."

The youngest mutant of the mansion pouted and turned away. "You'll be sorry", he hissed.

"Whatever man" was the only reply he got. The three boys continued down the hall to the common room, which was conveniently located very close to Logan's room and an elevator. Unfortunately, they couldn't get in.

The boys worked the door, trying to brake it down. They could hear strange noises coming from inside, but also from Logan's room and the elevator coming up.

"What the hell, man?" Bobby said angrily. He pounded on the door. "Open up!"

Suddenly, Tabby rushed out of Logan's room riding on Kurt's back while he laughed insanely and she clutched a bag of Cheezie-Poofs and yelled "WHEEEEE!" Logan staggered out after them with an odd look on his face.

"Hey, c'mon! Don't bogart the munchies!" he said and chased after the younger stoned mutants. At that moment, the elevator came up and out stepped Scott and Sam, each carrying a large cooler filled with ice and assorted pop bottles.

"YEEHAW! Who wants some MOONSHINE?" Sam loudly said. Scott only grinned.

Logan, Kurt and Tabby abruptly turned back around the corner, their faces the picture of fear. The stoned mutants screamed for everyone to run for their lives and skidded past the others and kept on going.

"Ok, what the hell was that about?"

Sam got more of an answer than he bargained for: An entire ARMY of Jamies turned the corner with vicious expression and their leader commanded them to attack.

Bobby, Ray, Roberto, Sam and Scott ran like no tomorrow, the Jamies hot on their tails.

As they got further away, the door of the common room opened, slowly and cautiously, and standing in the doorway was Evan, with Pietro cradled in his arms. Strangely enough, both of them were in costume. Evan was dressed as Batman and Pietro as Robin. Not a contemporary Batman and Robin, but as the super-gay sicties spandex ones where Robin wore short-shorts. With his arms around Evan's neck, Pietro cocked one eyebrow and laughed.

"You X-Geeks sure know how to party."

A/N: I am so going to hell for this. Believe it or not, it was entirely inspired by the phrase "Holy bongwater, Batman!"; I just totally ran with the idea of rich, spoiled, degenerate brats living at the institute.


End file.
